The Next Generation Astrology

I didn’t care even for a moment before drooling over on Samsung’s ads and decided to change my loyal Nokia E-71, which I still consider had played an important role in the making of me. It had spelled doom for the handset that had loved me more than I did. Do electronic devices really have emotions? God knows!

Cell phone is the only machine which leaves the bearer only when he’s in loo, oops not even there! Observe the level of intimacy it has got. I happily started using my new cell phone. Surprisingly, my wife’s cell phone got hydrocuted and stopped working the next day; it was also a Nokia phone. I was overwhelmed with the non cooperation movement of all Nokia members of my home.

The other day I was travelling in metro from ‘Vaishali’ to ‘Huda City Centre’ and due to network connectivity I couldn’t hear what my boss said in a telecon, which made him annoyed. I couldn’t help but started pondering about new technologies, devices and their connection with humans.

Whenever something illogical happens to me in a weird sequence, I start cursing my stars. If something is beyond my brain, it must be game of stars! The Brownian dots of thoughts were connected and it took me almost 20 years back. My engineer turned uncle said explaining the fundamental concepts of astrology, “Every celestial body has certain angle on every person, which is calculated by the angles on the place at the time he/she was born and the degree it has changed with respect to time due to displacement of both the celestial body and the person. This angle becomes a factor in the algorithm of deciding its impact on the person. Based on these calculations an astrologer arrives at his predictions. The fact is, the more accurate the time of birth and coordinates of native place, the more accurate the angle will be calculated, and therefore the more accurate will be predictions.” Though it looked interesting but I didn’t have the necessary supporting skills to grab it completely.

Last year also when I was in my home town, I visited my uncle and looking at my kundali, he assured me of my promotion, however he couldn’t diagnose the cause of my discomfort. I said, “The more I get promoted, the less peace I’m left with. Though I agree, in spite of knowing this, I still strive for promotion due to obvious reasons. I believe that lack of peace is not directly proportional to the height of hierarchy one is performing at; since I have seen many senior to me are cool, calm and confident, and enjoying their jobs.” He couldn’t diagnose the problem and kept saying, “Don’t worry! You are doing well, you have all: health, wealth and offspring.”

Now after having studied so many sciences, there is everything half cooked in my brain. The irony is – difficult to believe the existing concepts. At the time when the concepts of astrology were written, they had considered the celestial bodies known to them. So with the launch of new satellite, I will argue to make amendments in the concepts of astrology; it will have its good and bad effects on every person. My network and cell phone related problems might have a root linked with some of the satellite and its certain angle on me.

I searched for a qualified astrologer in my city and took an appointment. He was completely in formals and his office was just like a cabin in corporate office. I started calling him ‘Pandit ji’. He said, “I am Kartik and I would appreciate if you call me with my name. I don’t practice the old version of astrology, which is out of support now.” He explained, “It was a wonderful science, but nothing wonderful ever created remains wonderful without maintenance. Though there are many astrologers learning and practicing this old science but none was contributing in a way to make it evolve with time. Our organization has taken this initiative and we are working on this.” I nodded with a smile as a gesture to appreciate the initiative.

He asked, “Do you have your kundali in latest supported version?” I exclaimed, “Latest supported version!” He said, “Don’t worry, and tell me your date, time and place of birth.”  He further said, “The houses in the old format were having only two dimensions, whereas the latest version has three dimensional houses. So if I say Sun is in the seventh house, it will be in either X, Y or Z axis of that house, likewise.”

He quickly did some data input and shown me a three dimensional kundali chakra in computer screen. Every dimension was displayed in a different color. Explaining the effects of various celestial bodies on my kundali chakra he said, “Your stars are creating a low connectivity zone for you. The results will be improper functioning of electronic devices owned by you and your family. Aryabhata being in Y axis with Bhaskara-I in X axis of third house are eyeing Moon, which is creating Call-Drop-Yog for you.  This yog causes irritation and mental discomfort. Though one practicing old version of astrology would ignore the impact of artificial satellites and declare it Kaal-Sarp-Yog.” I kept on listening. He further said, “Due to this yog, you will face problems while responding the calls, such as cell phone might get hanged and might create confusion in a relationship or your voice might break in a telephonic interview. Further Rahu should never be in a combination with artificial satellites, but in your case it is there, resulting stomach problems after having Pizza. Don’t dare have pizza lest you will devote more time in loo and will eventually miss boss’s calls in home and wife’s calls in office, which will irritate both of them.”

I got anxious to the grave. Kartik said, “Don’t worry; there are ways to get rid of these problems.  Leave a fully charged Nokia phone without SIM near a mobile tower at 5 AM and don’t turn or look back. Do it for five Sundays. Feed a family size pizza with extra cheese to doggy every Friday evening for five Fridays. I will even suggest you to stop using a handset with company starting ‘N’ and switch to some other. Samsung has launched a new series having an evil eye icon, get that. It is suitable for a person having Call-Drop-Yog. Don’t rush when someone rings you, relax, count till ten and then pick it up. Had it been so urgent he would have dialed 100.” He smiled as if he knows everything about my life style.

While I was deeply involved, someone has disturbed me saying, “Iss yatra seva mein thoda vilamb hoga, iss asuvidha ke liye hamein khed hai…the next station is Huda City Centre…” The baritone alerted me. Oh, I am about to reach my destination station; I am concluding my hypothetical concept of Astrophysics wrapped in a fusion story here.

- Amit Roop

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